Smoke and Mirrors

A while back, we got together with one of The Missus’ childhood friends. The topics of our meandering discussion were many. But at one point Our Guest brought up the husband of a mutual childhood friend of The Missus and Our Guest. Let’s call that husband person “Shlomo.” Because I like the name “Shlomo.” And, because it’s a funny sounding name. Apologies to any Shlomos reading this blog post.

The good life

Shlomo—who’s in his late-40s—had recently been laid off from his high-level position at Huge Co. Since the layoff, he’d sorta, kinda been looking for a new job.

Maybe not sorta, kinda hard, tho.

Before joining Huge Co., Shlomo worked at Big Co., which I have every reason to believe compensated him very, very well, thank you very much. Shlomo’s wife also works. And although she no doubt isn’t even close to as highly compensated as Shlomo has been, I’m guessing that her salary isn’t so low as to raise eyebrows. Certainly not in a bad way at least.

Shlomo grew up in my hometown, in a fancy condo in what’s arguably the wealthiest neighborhood in the city. He attended an eye-wateringly expensive elite private school growing up, went to an expensive small liberal arts college, and holds an MBA from one of the world’s priciest finest business schools. I have no reason to believe that he paid for any of it. Tho an employer, rather than the Bank of Mom and Dad or some scholarships or others, likely covered the bill for the MBA.

I once had occasion to visit Shlomo’s childhood home. The mere invitation made me giddy as I’d once been in a home in that area of the city, and that place had been everything I’d expected it to be.

Shlomo and his parents are the embodiment of good taste and decorum. And when I visited Shlomo’s parents’ home, I found that it reflected that refined good taste and decorum. I’d hoped that I’d be impressed when I visited their place. And I was.

Making an appearance

Now let’s return to our backyard discussion. Our Guest mentioned that she felt so bad for Shlomo for having been laid off and not being able to land a new gig. I suggested that I wouldn’t worry too much about Shlomo. Our Guest, I think, heard that as meaning that because Shlomo had about 25 years of high compensation behind him, and a wife who worked, they’d be more than fine. But I added for good measure that given Shlomo’s upbringing and family, there was a chance that he also might be enjoying some of what I imagined had to be the vast family fortune.

And that’s when Our Guest shocked me. She explained that Shlomo’s parents’ life was fake. Smoke and mirrors. In fact, she added, they were deep in debt.

Now, I haven’t seen Shlomo’s parents for many years. So, it’s possible that their outward appearances had radically changed, and that it was clear from such new appearances that they were hard up. Or, that they were in fact loaded when I’d last seen them, but since had fallen on hard times. But I have no reason to believe any of that was the case.

We hear a lot that a lot of people look wealthy, but not only aren’t but actually have huge financial problems. And I think that’s often true. But it’s one thing to read/hear it as a generality. Quite another to have it demonstrated to you.

Poor, K?

We happen to have several family members and friends who are well educated, have high-paying jobs, live in expensive (high-six-figures, or $1 million+) homes, have loads of pricy possessions, and travel fairly regularly (pre-‘rona, that is) to pricy and/or international destinations. I’ve long wondered if any of them are all hat and no cattle. I have no reason to believe any are. But then again, I’d never have figured Shlomo’s parents to have been either. So maybe there are things I just don’t know.

On the flipside, I and the rest of The Family generally have lived in perfectly fine condos/houses, which we happen to have loved. And driven perfectly fine cars, which we happen to have been completely happy with. And taken our fair share of perfectly fine vacations, on which we have had wonderful times and made lasting good memories.

But our homes have been waaaayyyy more modest and cheaper (and outwardly much more modest) than many of our family’s and friends’. And I’m guessing that none of our friends ever said anything like “Wow. That is one sweet 10-year-old Toyota Camry that the FI for the Peoples’ are rocking. How dooo they manage to afford it?” And while our friends might have envied our sojourns in Florida, it was more because the weather they were experiencing back home was immensely inferior. Not because our destination and/or accommodations were particularly exotic.

In short, I think we give off a vibe of living at least well off enough, but certainly not of great wealth. Yet a peek under the hood would show that by objective measures, we’re probably better off than the vast majority of Americans.

This got me to thinking that maybe just as we think several of our family and friends pretty wealthy, perhaps they think the reverse of us. Recent acts of generosity by some family members—far greater generosity than I might have expected under the circumstances—made me think that perhaps these people think that we’re struggling financially. Or, that we have little margin for error. And that given that we’re supporting Thing One (The Elder) and Thing Two (The Younger), we can’t afford those somwhat expensive—tho not outrageous mor unreasonable—things that our family paid for. Or that we need financial help and maybe are too proud to ask for it. And, to give but two examples, maybe they think that because we rent our house—which is what people not well off do, because buying is, you know, always the smart move—and because my preferred daily wardrobe consists of knockaround shorts and a t-shirt or plain polo and The Missus and the kids dress very modestly, we’re poor(ish).

That seems bonkers to me. But people will think what they’ll think.

Cover story

The lesson, of course, is not to judge a book by its cover. That’s as much a lesson for me as anyone, given my apparent false impression of Shlomo’s parents. But I’ll tell you—and this likely is contrary to how the vast majority of humanity thinks—I 100% prefer having people believe, incorrectly, that we’re poor(ish) when we’re not, than assuming, incorrectly, that we’re loaded if we were anything but.

As it is, I don’t want or need to put on any appearances. Not a one.

But Shlomo’s parents? And any family or friends of ours who, unbeknownst to us are faking it? It must be costing them a bloody fortune to pretend to be wealthy.

And in the end . . .

I should add that I was uncomfortable with the acts that I perceived as outsized generosity towards us. Mainly because I thought they might’ve been made based on a false impression. If this happens again, I’ll have to set these people straight, so that they know that we don’t need any help that wouldn’t have been given but for a misreading of our situation. Maybe we’ll have to make more of an effort to give off a different impression.