As I’ve detailed in these pages, I’m a lousy sleeper. I wake up at least once a night. Every night. Sometimes I wake up multiple times. Reserves of past stress(ors), a rapidly wimpy bladder, and a raging case of latent shpilkes (don’t worry, Dear Reader, it ain’t contagious) that I apparently have even while slumbering, probly are all to blame.
Dream sequence
It’s rare that upon waking I remember a dream I was having. But one recent night, just that very thing happened. The setting was one of my “work” (my funemployment isn’t really work as far as I’m concerned) shifts. A crowd, gathered inside the building near the doors leading outside, was watching some drug-addled and/or mentally ill person who appeared to be in pretty rough shape literally being dragged out of the building by law enforcement.
I was observing the scene from outside the building. As the doorway was blocked by the goings on, I stood back and watched. With no other information, I couldn’t know the reason for the hubbub, tho I had a pretty good idea. Tl;dr, physically removing the individual was completely warranted/necessary.
Once the “festivities” concluded, I walked inside. A few crowd members soon started peppering me with questions about the incident and the person dragged out. Questions I necessarily couldn’t answer given that I was observing from the outside and well after the precipitating event(s).
I don’t recall all the questions, but one prompted an answer from me that I do remember: “Listen, I never underestimate the ability of people to behave badly and disappoint me. Never.” It was a somewhat rare instance in which my self in a dream essentially mirrored what I might’ve said in real life.
Upon waking, I nodded my head in recognition of that alignment, acknowledging my natural and experience-informed cynicism. Looking for the dark amongst the light—in people and in general (including as to my own and The Family’s situation)—is hardwired into me.
But almost immediately after that, I thought of something I’ve believed increasingly strongly and consistently since FIREing: life is good!
Cross Currents
I then thought, how do I reconcile this cognitive dissonance in my flea-addled brain?!
Well, it’s admittedly not truly aligned cognitive dissonance. I mean, the cynicism and negativity is mostly outwardly focused. Towards others. While the sunny disposition and optimism is mostly inwardly focused. Towards me and The Family.
But cracks in my penchant for cynicism and pessimism have emerged and grown since I set our financial ship on calm(er) seas after discovering FIRE. Mind you, in The Before Days I never smothered all positivity. No, I’ve met people who did just that for themselves. I worked for a few of them, too. They’re dreadful not much fun to be around.
Rather, the cynicism and pessimism blanketed me like a light shroud. Omnipresent, but evidence giving reason for optimism could seep through it if compelling enough.
Since FIREing, the shroud has become increasingly threadbare Positivity and happiness increasingly seeps through.
This is fantastic! I’m increasingly less afflicted by a whole category of cynicism/pessimism, which in turn has mostly eliminated a whole category of stress. I’m no medical doctor, but I have to think that’s good. Both for my mental and physical health. Fewer stress minions running amok, degrading my innards.
The epic internal battle between cynicism/pessimism and happy/positivity has been a multiyear one. Happy/positivity hasn’t yet won. But it seems to be on a relentless march.
Will it ever achieve total victory? I dunno. My hunch says no. My cynicism/pessimism, even if diminished, still is hardwired into me. It won’t be easily vanquished.
But I am now way happier and more optimistic than I have been in I don’t know how long. I owe this not just to my own post-FIREing life experience (i.e., FIRE’s been good to me), but also to the remarkably high degrees of happiness and positivity within the FIRE community. It’s maybe not infectious. But it is almost impossible to ignore, and in short order grabs you close for a big bear hug.
I like to think increasing happiness and optimism isn’t a perverse product of latent guilt at my underserved incredibly good fortune: a wife who’s far too good for me, kids who are smart and genuinely decent humans, a great friend network, good health, financial security, and much more. Nor do I think it’s wholly dependent on our wildly good—and mostly uninterrupted—financial luck over the last 15+ years. That is, I don’t think I’d be way more negative/pessimistic if our finances were getting hammered over an extended period. Cuz, as I mentioned, I know that our financial ship is in good shape compared to most others.
A shroud has lifted
I’ve gotten to the point that I’ve just surrendered to the positivity/optimism. It feels . . . odd. But increasingly natural and comfortable.
A few near(ish)-term horizon events will, I think, enhance this yet further. First, Thing Two (The Younger) leaving the home to go off to college. I love Thing Two and Thing One (The Elder) (who’s already in college, living outside the home during the school year). But I’m looking forward to being an empty nester. I think it’ll make me even happier on a day-to-day basis than I am now.
Second, The Missus may leave her full-time work next year. She’s never been consumed by work, so it’s not like it’s been a major impediment to our personal and family lives. But not working at all or full-time necessarily will allow for more flexibility. We’re already discussing serious travel plans. I’m excited to see how things unfold. I think The Missus is, too.
And last, Thing One will graduate and launch into the working world next year. Her prospects are bright. A few years after that, Thing Two will do the same. His prospects should likewise be bright. As I mentioned, they’re smart and good people. But as a parent I still stress over making sure that those launches go well. Being rid of that stress—even if I still always worry about them being healthy, happy, and successful—should be good for me and increase my happiness yet further.
It’s been a good run. I’m beyond grateful.
And in the end . . .
I think it says something for my current state of being that I’m optimistic that all these things will go well and that life gets even better. That ain’t so bad.
I’m curious what your natural happiness “set point” is. its a scale of 1 to 10 you have a natural range with a baseline number. For example I am likely a mid range 5 with a range of 3 to 7. I did an article on it way back when. I would say I spend more time at 4 then i do 6 which i hope retirement improves
Sounds like you are either spending more time higher in your range or perhaps your range has started to shift
I like the idea of rating and ranging one’s happiness. Thanks for introducing this idea to me.
I think my natural range is 5-8, and I typically was at about a 6-7. I’m now more consistently at a 7-8. Instead of resting straight face, I now have resting happyish face. On rare and often fleeting occasions, I may get to a 9. I dunno if I’m capabale of getting to 10. If I ever was, it likely was when I was realy young and not the jaded curmudgeon I became (am?). I envy the people who regularly can get to 10 and sit comfortably at 9.